Return of The Mount Hua – Chapter 1443. What Should I Do? (3)
Editor: Hoamzz
Co-Translator: Xoxo
“Surely... there might have been a better way."
“....”
“Even if it wasn’t necessarily sacrificing the family members as Gaju-nim said, there must have been one. The best path that could have satisfied everyone."
Tang Gun-ak turned his gaze towards Chung Myung.
Maybe, in some corner of his heart, he was hoping for a small comfort. Or perhaps even a sharp reprimand wouldn't have been so bad. But Chung Myung offered neither comfort nor reprimand. He simply acknowledged it.
"That's why it's difficult.”
“...What do you mean?”
“Because there is such a thing as the best decision. Because no matter what you choose, there will be regrets. Maybe... there really was a chance to make a choice you wouldn't regret at all."
But Chung Myung didn’t bother to add that in the end, people simply can’t do that. Because he knew it would hold no meaning for Tang Gun-ak right now.
"But what can you do? Things have already happened, and there's nothing you can do by dwelling on it. The only thing left is to shoulder what you've done and move on step by step."
"Like you did?"
Chung Myung didn't answer. Tang Gun-ak closed his eyes for a moment.
He had always thought he was remarkable. Whether as a man or a martial artist, Chung Myung’s greatness was undeniable. In some ways, Tang Gun-ak may be the one who values Chung Myung the most in the world.
But at this moment, Tang Gun-ak keenly realized that even such high regard was insufficient to discuss the path Chung Myung had walked.
How had he done it?
Mount Hua had been a sect where everything that could be called its foundation had crumbled and left with nothing but ruin. How could anyone look at such a sect and not fall into despair?
Even Tang Family, now hanging by a thread, was better off than Mount Hua of a few years ago. Only if all the warriors of Tang Family, including Tang Gun-ak himself, were dead and only those who hadn’t even properly learned martial arts remained could the two situations be compared.
Even in such a dire situation, Mount Hua came back to life.
So should Tang Gun-ak take comfort in that fact?
“If it were you....”
After a while, Tang Gun-ak opened his eyes and spoke as he looked at Chung Myung.
"If you were the head of Tang Family right now, things would be better than they are with me."
“....”
"If it were you, you could put Tang Family back on solid ground without the slightest wavering. Because that's the kind of person you are."
Hearing those words, Chung Myung smiled faintly.
"Is that what you think?"
“...Honestly, yes.”
"Do I really seem like someone who came all this way without ever wavering?"
Chung Myung tilted his head back. The sky was so full of stars it seemed they might spill over.
Tang Gun-ak said that those countless stars felt like the eyes of his ancestors. What would those stars look like to Chung Myung’s eyes now?
"If I were truly as unwavering as you say... If I really were someone who's able to not look back at the past, not doubt any decision I've made, and steadily believe that every act I took was the best choice possible..."
A bitter smile formed on Chung Myung’s lips after a moment of silence.
"...That would have been nice. Yeah, then I wouldn't wish for anything more."
Chung Myung knew. Even if everyone in the world believed it, that wasn't his true self.
“You....”
“But unfortunately, I’m not that kind of person. I’m the type who clings to the past that left long ago, endlessly doubts the decisions I made, and can’t even sleep properly because I can’t let go of what I’ve already done.”
Unable to believe his words, Tang Gun-ak stared at Chung Myung.
"Even now?"
“Yes. Even now.”
Suddenly, a question crossed Tang Gun-ak's mind. A question that shouldn't be asked if not for this situation. No, perhaps a question that shouldn't be asked even in this situation.
But in the end, Tang Gun-ak voiced it.
"Do you... regret going to Hainan?"
Chung Myung didn't answer. He just stared blankly at the sky. A colorless silence. But within it were too many answers.
“Well.”
After a little time passed, Chung Myung shrugged his shoulders.
"If I don't answer, it might cause misunderstandings, so I suppose I should... Yes, I regret it."
“....”
"But if I were to go back to the past, I would ultimately go to Hainan Island again in exactly the same way."
Tang Gun-ak's pupil shook slightly.
“And then I’d do the same thing and regret it again. Like a fool.”
“...Why?”
“Is Gaju-nim any different?”
When the question was directed at him, Tang Gun-ak shut his mouth.
"You've been through it too. And now you're agonizing over the consequences of that decision. If you could go back to a day before, what orders would you give? Would you command them to defend the foundation, the Poison Vault and the smithies even at the cost of everyone dying?"
Tang Gun-ak couldn't answer.
He was now fully realizing what he had lost. What Tang Family has lost. And how grueling the path ahead would be for the Sichuan Tang Family as a result.
But even so, he couldn't say he would have made a different decision. He could only remain silent.
"No, you wouldn't."
“....”
“The same goes for Gaju-nim. You would regret and despair, curse that your choice was terrible, but you would make the same choice again. Then regret and despair again like a fool.”
Tang Gun-ak’s hand trembled slightly. He couldn’t firmly say it wasn’t true.
One cannot lose anything. But there was no path where he could protect everything. Something had to be lost. In such choices, how could there be a path without regret?
“It truly feels cruel. If I had known this is what it meant to be the patriarch....”
"Everyone's the same."
Chung Myung sharply cut off Tang Gun-ak's words.
"It's not because you're the patriarch that you make choices It’s just a matter of scale, big or small. Everyone lives making choices. Choices where you have to let go of what's in your hand. Weighing and measuring the things we don't want to lose but must, that’s how people wear down.”
That's how one becomes numb. At first, it's as painful as tearing off flesh, but later it becomes as nonchalant as peeling off calluses.
Those who remain here simply haven’t gone numb yet.
They had simply not yet lived long enough to wash away the way sorrow clings to them.
"How does one move forward?"
Desperation rippled in Tang Gun-ak’s eyes.
"Can someone who regrets everything, despairs on everything, and is tired of each and everything like that get back up? Just... how am I supposed to not be terrified of each decision I make from now on?"
Chung Myung held a bitter smile at the corner of his mouth.
“It’s the opposite."
“...The opposite?”
"It's not about being unafraid, bold, or resolute..."
Chung Myung's eyelashes trembled faintly.
“It’s exactly because one is too scared of losing, they get back up so they lose as little as possible. Because if they stay down, the only thing waiting for them is endlessly losing more and more."
His quiet words spread across the still fields.
“Maybe it’s the same for everyone. Those who appear to others to be doing great things are probably people who fear what others don't fear. Those who see farther ahead are probably just the ones who fear what others haven’t even begun to fear.”
“....”
"Those who... those who accomplish something great are all the same, I think."
Tang Gun-ak, who had been listening blankly, let out a small chuckle.
“So the ones the world calls heroes… might actually be terrible cowards."
"Is that strange?"
“It’s not strange. If anyone else had said that, I would’ve thought it was odd… but from you, it doesn't."
Isn't this youth right before his eyes precisely that terrible coward who accomplishes the impossible?
A desperate fool who tries to step forward somehow because he fears in advance what no one else worries about.
“Then, Mount Hua Chivalrous Sword.”
“Yes, Gaju-nim.”
“Then what is it that I should fear?”
Tang Gun-ak's gaze turns back to the sky. The stars still pressed down heavily, as if weighing on his shoulders.
“I’m not great enough to worry about the future like you do, nor am I meticulous enough to notice what others haven’t yet and worry about it first. Right now, I simply... fear and dread everything in the world."
It was a faintly trembling and wavering voice, unlike the Tang Gun-ak that everyone in the world knows.
“You’re right, but also wrong. At least you're a coward who knows what to fear most. But I cannot even be a coward like you. I am just a coward who fears everything."
“....”
“So, Mount Hua Chivalrous Sword. Answer me. What should I be afraid of?”
Then, Chung Myung looked at Tang Gun-ak and asked.
“Is that a question from Tang Gun-ak as a man? Or from Tang Gun-ak as the patriarch of Tang Family?”
Tang Gun-ak couldn't answer right away. Then Chung Myung said.
"If you're asking as just Tang Gun-ak, then I'd tell you to stop worrying about things that aren't your responsibility and get some sleep."
"...That's harsh in its own way."
"And if that's a question as the patriarch of Tang Family, you shouldn't be asking me."
Tang Gun-ak smiled bitterly. Because it sounded like it was an issue he had to contemplate alone. Just as he was about to nod in acceptance, Chung Myung raised a hand and pointed at the sky.
“Ask them yourself.”
“....”
“To those who are watching over Gaju-nim.”
Countless stars, countless eyes. The ancestors who had protected the Sichuan Tang Family were now watching him from above. But no matter how much he looks up and seeks answers, they remain silent, merely gazing down.
The answer Tang Gun-ak sought didn’t come from the skies, but from beside him. A small voice tinged with sympathy was distinctly imprinted in his ears.
"Why did Tang Family come into existence?"
“...What do you mean?”
“The ancestors who built the Sichuan Tang Family as a martial clan and taught their descendants how to live. What did they do all that for?"
Sichuan was a place looked down upon by Jungwon.
In such a place, even before Chengdu had taken proper shape as a city, Tang Family's ancestors had built a foundation where all who bore the Tang name could live together.
They taught them how to train and temper themselves, and how to protect their bodies with poison. And they commanded that these teachings be passed on forever.
But why?
Tang Gun-ak's eyes widened slightly. The stars seemed ready to pour down upon him at any moment.
"There would be no answer. Since the dead give no answers. But... if they could answer now, they would surely say this."
Chung Myung opened his mouth.
In his voice, carrying the will of another.
—Those bastards don’t even know what truly matters.
"What's important isn't the poison."
—They were so focused on preserving the means for the sake of the goal, but now the means have devoured the goal. Stupid.
"Poison and hidden weapons are just means."
—Hyung-nim, it pains me. Everything I built for the sake of the family now strangles them instead. How could the nobles who first established the family have had such intentions?
"If those tools hinder Tang Family, then they’re worse than useless."
—What truly matters is...
“What truly matters is.”
—Isn't how the descendants of Tang Family can live happier lives? If it gets in the way, poison art, the assassination art, and even the family law are just pitiful obstacles.
"That’s what the ancestors wanted to pass down to you. Just..."
Chung Myung closed his eyes. These were words he had to deliver. Words he had meant to convey.
But those words were also being conveyed to Chung Myung himself.
The words that spilled from his mouth became Tang Bo’s voice, became the voice of the ancestors, became the voice of those lost....
“Be happy....”
Tears gathered in Chung Myung's eyes.
It felt as though someone had placed a hand on his shoulder. So he could not bear to turn his head.
Words that had gone undelivered for so long, and words that, even when conveyed, failed to reach, finally settled on Chung Myung's shoulders after crossing a hundred years.
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